My experience with suicidal thoughts

“No one wants to commit suicide, they just want a permanent relief to end their pain.”

For most people you grow up and mature slowly and by the time you’re 18 or 19 you’re considered an “adult" but for me, adulthood came faster than expected. After experiencing a few traumatic incidents in my life, I adopted the belief that 14 year-old me had to grow up and take care of everything in my surroundings. When my mom became ill, I became her caregiver, her therapist and her best friend rather than her child. 

My mother spent most of my young life battling her own demons, but I had been oblivious to them up until the point that it couldn’t be hidden anymore. It all happened so fast; one minute we were arguing and the next my mom was unresponsive. By that point, silence had become my biggest enemy and I knew the years to come would be an ongoing battle with it. 

I was trapped in a tunnel aimlessly walking, trying to find a way out. There was so much going on in my head, many lingering thoughts that made sense and when one thought stuck out from the rest, like an easy way through all the hardships. I kept hearing a recurring whisper screaming “You should just end it all now, nobody will miss you, the world would be better without you.”

In a way, it was comforting thinking that there could be an easy way out of this and I could just do it now. While on the bathroom floor, the sharp edges of my razor started to intrigue me. “Would it hurt, would it be a relief?” 
While that thought kept rushing through my mind; I picked up the pink double edged razor debating what my next move was. 

Then the door to the bathroom suddenly opened and I was brought back to reality. I dropped the razor and I realized I didn’t have it in me. 

Now, at the age of 24 I can look back at that time in my life and be grateful that I wasn’t able to do it. I’ve learned so much in the last 10 years, but I can also understand why someone gets to that point in their life. I understand feeling like there's no other option for you. It does get better and even when you feel like there’s no one you can turn to, you’re not alone. 

Here is some resources that you can turn to if you’re struggling:
Canadian Mental Health Association
519-255-7440
Distress Centre Windsor-Essex County
519-256-5000
Windsor-Essex Community Health Centre
519-997-2827
Alive! Canada 
519-973-4423
Local Hotline 
519-973-4435
Teen Health 
519-253-8481